Grief is one of the most difficult emotions to process - especially when brought on by the death of a loved one.
Grief challenges us because it doesn’t have the arc of a typical emotion. Often, it comes in waves and can be triggered long after a death occurs. This is especially true in children.
For children who have yet to experience a loss, grief can be a completely new emotion. And, as a parent or next of kin, you’re called upon to help them navigate these new feelings and understand the implications of death, all while doing your own share of grieving.
The ways in which we guide our children through grief define how they understand death and process their new feelings.
Like anything, a solid foundation of understanding can be an immense help for later learning.
It’s best to start explaining death to children before they experience loss first-hand.
You can point out examples in nature, such as plants that are dying. Explain that means those plants won’t be alive and growing like the other plants anymore. Or, use examples like the death of a neighbor’s pet. Often the death of a pet at home will trigger similar feelings in children to the death of an adult.
It’s important for children to understand what death is and the permanence of death.
Death isn’t an uncommon plotline in children’s movies and television. This can be an easy way to start explaining death and working the concept into regular life. Take examples from shows they might like and bring that up while watching with them. Shows and movies like Up, The Lion King, Sesame Street or Coco all tackle the topics of death and loss. There are also books like Charlotte’s Web, The Goodbye Book or Grandad’s Island.
With the understanding of death and the permanence of death, you give your child a frame of reference when the loss of a loved one happens.
You’re then able to share that example with your child and relate it to an experience you’ve already shared with them.
Death is a difficult topic - regardless of what stage of life we’re in.
That’s why euphemisms like “moved on,” “passed away” or “in a better place” have become common phrases when explaining a loss.
Children are often very literal so it’s best to avoid euphemisms altogether. Being direct and explaining that someone died, as well as explaining that death is permanent, is one of the best things you can do to help your child understand. This sets them up for continuing to understand the concept as they age, without reverting to ideas that someone may return or that someone has simply “moved on” for other reasons.
It’s best to tell them their loved one has died - using the terms, “_______ has died.” And explain that means they are no longer here with us, their body is no longer alive and that they won’t be coming back.
Follow this up by explaining to your child that it is OK to be sad. And, let them know that you feel sad, too. Explain that death is a natural part of life. You may also need to reassure them that this doesn’t mean they will die right away, or that you will die right away. You can also explain that it is not their fault or that nothing they did could have caused this.
Often, children don't just express grief through words. They’ll show it in their behavior.
It’s important for you, and for your child, to understand that grief is perfectly natural and, although the realities of loss don’t go away, these feelings won’t always be so strong.
Here are some of the patterns and behaviors you may notice in a child after a loss:
There is no easy answer to this question. In short, it depends on the child.
Funerals are an opportunity for closure and can be therapeutic for loved ones expressing grief. They may have that same effect on a child,but, only if the child is ready.
You might consider whether your child will be able to react appropriately and sit still at the funeral, treating it with the same respect other attendees would. This is out of respect for other family members.
If you feel your child is emotionally mature enough to handle a funeral, the best thing you can do is explain the event to them in full beforehand. Let them know what to expect so they are emotionally prepared:
As a parent or guardian, one of the best things you can do for yourself and your child at a funeral is ensure they have someone who is dedicated to looking out for them and handling their feelings. If you can’t be that person, appoint a trusted person who is close to them.
When it comes to approaching grief and loss with children, understand that every child is different. Balance a direct approach with sympathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and remember how early loss may have impacted you. Exercise patience and lean in when they need your support.
Sources:
https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/aftercareinformation/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=zp4435
https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/talking-to-kids-about-death/
https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/when-a-loved-one-dies-understanding-grief-in-children
https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
https://www.cbc.ca/parents/learning/view/9-books-to-help-kids-understand-death
ttps://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/good-mourning/201805/should-children-attend-funerals
Author(s): My Coda's Editorial Team